First Chapter
Kim
Why, why, why?
It just doesn’t make sense.
I am a storyteller at heart. I’ve been writing books since I was a kid. I like beginnings, middles, and ends. I like stories to have an arc. I like characters to develop. I like plots to “make sense.” So, when my pregnancies ended, I couldn’t help but wonder what this meant for “my story.” Why did these things happen to me? What did they mean?
Confession: Before my losses, whenever I heard of someone having a miscarriage, I wondered if it was something she did (or didn’t do). Maybe she didn’t eat the right things or take the right vitamins. Maybe she let stress get the best of her. Maybe her marriage was unhealthy, and her body “knew” she shouldn’t have a baby. Because I’ve thought these things before, I know other women think them. And it’s not because we’re cruel. It’s because we don’t want to think something bad can happen without a reason. It’s much easier to have a reason than to consider that sometimes pregnancies just end, randomly and unpredictably.
My losses were so distressing because they made me painfully aware of the randomness of things, of how little control I have (See “Feeling a loss of control”). I did everything “right,” and I still had these things happen to me. I did everything “right,” and I still came up on the wrong side of the statistics—not one, but two, ectopic pregnancies, a loss in the second trimester when 99 percent of babies at that stage make it full-term. I was especially unnerved when I saw others who did things “wrong” and had easy pregnancies and healthy babies.
Did all of this mean something? Was I not cut out to be a mother? Did I not deserve a baby? Was my marriage not strong enough? Maybe my losses happened because I’d had too many successes and needed a fair dose of failure. Maybe they happened because I didn’t treat my body well in my twenties. Maybe they were a much-needed, harsh lesson in losing control.
What I’ve come to understand is that my losses didn’t really mean anything, not in and of themselves. They didn’t happen for any particular reason. They just happened. People tried to assure me that “everything happens for a reason.” They tried to force meanings on me. When I was in the thick of my grieving, I wasn’t ready for that.
In my own space, on my own time, I did find meanings, or I created them. That’s what we do, as humans—we make meanings. Meaning is the lemonade of life’s lemons. From my losses, I’ve gained confidence in my own resilience. I’ve realized the fragility of life, which has motivated me to live more fully, less fearfully. I’ve traded my illusions of control for more perspective and compassion for others. So, yes, I’ve found meaning in my losses (See “Finding meaning”). But any positives I’ve managed to extract from the rubble of my grief don’t make up for the heartache. It doesn’t work like that. Put simply: There is no answer to the question of “why” that makes the grief any less painful.
Coming Soon.
Hooper, Resnick, and Diep’s collective work adds a modern, authentic, and inclusive lens to the current canon on perinatal loss. Importantly, the authors shed light on a wide array of experiences and topics across the continuum of perinatal loss. Recognizing and emphasizing diversity, Hooper, Resnick, and Diep weave together personal stories, together with self-help and academic resources, to capture the individual and shared aspects of perinatal loss. All the Love will resonate in new and meaningful ways with readers who are reaching for this supportive information.
―Shara M. Brofman, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist
The tumultuous feelings that accompany pregnancy loss are hard to describe, and women who experience this often feel terribly alone in their grief. But All the Love, written by three wise and compassionate women, offers much-needed understanding, consolation, wisdom, and hope. Its heartfelt and caring message will provide solace and guidance to those who have lost babies as well as those who seek to support them.
―Christine Gross-Loh, author of Parenting Without Borders and co-author of The Path
A BEAUTIFUL resource for people. The authors left no stone unturned. A book like this is so needed.
―Julie Russell RN, LRMT, CC, CHt., Senior Licensed Reiki Master, International Center for Reiki Training
Pregnancy loss is a common issue that is rarely discussed. The insights within All the Love provide an opportunity to explore its depths and help shed light on what lies beneath the surface.
―Jacob Gibbens, MD, MSc, FACOG
All the Love is a unique work and balm for families striving to survive and make meaning in life after experiencing the unimaginable pain of pregnancy and infant loss. With compassion and insight, the authors offer their brave voices and intimate experiences on the aftermath of loss. A valuable resources for the pregnancy and infant loss community, All the Love demonstrates that even in grief and loss–this traumatic and out-of-order loss–there is love, eternal and undying.
―Keisha Wells, Licensed Professional Counselor and author of From Three Heartbeats to One: A Gentle Companion Offering Hope in Grieving Pregnancy and Infant Loss
All the Love is a deeply accurate and therapeutic love letter to women who have experienced pregnancy loss and the people who love them. The stories and guidance offered in the pages of this beautiful book serve as a reminder to those who have experienced this very unique kind of loss that they are not alone. One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, yet there is still so much shame and stigma around these losses. As a psychotherapist specializing in Perinatal Loss, this is a book that I will be recommending to my clients when they are ready to reflect and heal.
―Haley Neidich, LCSW, PMH-C
All the Love is an engaging, informational, and beautiful look into the realities and complexities of pregnancy loss. Hearing the unique stories of the authors provides so much validation and normalization to such a nuanced experience. I would highly recommend this book to individuals who have been impacted by pregnancy loss as well to helping professionals seeking to better understand this universal, but rarely discussed experience.
―Dr. Sunita Osborn, Clinical Psychologist, Author of the Miscarriage Map: What To Expect When You Are No Longer Expecting and the Miscarriage Map Workbook